paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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