When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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