fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
