Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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