Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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