I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
