you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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