Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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