Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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