When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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