HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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