Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
