she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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