I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
