Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
