i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can't turn off my feet"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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