Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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