The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
