My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
