I just pynch a tree in the face
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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