I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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