She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
