hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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