Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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