she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Your penis caused this!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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