OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
