I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
