idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
