if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
