i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
