When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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