I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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