i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
