theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I still have a little drunk in my system
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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