Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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