He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
