I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
