It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
