If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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