My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
