WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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