and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
