Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
