Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
