So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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