I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
