My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
