you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
