it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Liz is crying about burritos again.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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