2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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