You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
