She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
