he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
